Stock photos, 360° images, vectors and videos
Filters
Page 1 of 1
RM2AJEHGX–Deportmental ditties : and other verses . hloe—before I quite forget it— I wish youd marry me some day;Really you wont regret it. How would next Friday fortnight suit you? And—may I (what they call) salute you? 25 Deportmental Ditties Why, yes, she answers with a smile, But please dont disarrange my hair, dear. Well meet on Friday in the aisle,Ill certainly be there, dear. Just send a postcard to remind me— The Ladies Club will always find me. Then lawyers enter, unabashed, The Wedding March politely humming, To see that cheques are duly cashed,And coronets forthcoming; While friends arrange t
RM2AJE654–Deportmental ditties : and other verses . A villa near the links.The common task is all Id ask, And lots of trivial rounds,If only I had £60,000 ! If I had £60,000, I would do good by stealth,Nor close my purse, with ducal curse, When Budgets taxed my wealth.But, on the cheap, I have to keep My charities in bounds:I havent got that £60,000 ! 106 THE RING AND THE BOOK (The Rev. Father Bernard Vaughan has been photographed with Tommy Burnt, the famous prize-fighter.) All those who wake at early dawn,And read their morning paper through, Are sure to get from Father VaughanA paragraph or two. No p
RM2AJENK5–Deportmental ditties : and other verses . Never ask your Uncle Moses If the colour of his nose isArtificial, manufactured, or inherited. When your elderly Aunt Lizzie Is unusually busy,Do not badger her with booby-traps unmerited. (If you soak her wig in whiskey, Twill insure her feeling flustered; But to make her really frisky You should fill her boots with mustard.) Hold your tongues, if you are able, More especially at table,Which is not the place for juvenile loquacity. Grown-up folks are kittle cattle, And they tire of childish prattleUnredeemed by any symptoms of sagacity. If it lies twi
RM2AJER1R–Deportmental ditties : and other verses . 12 Birth And when some stranger picks you up bo kiss, Doi.i iihiht-ic r .-[y </(- or protest,Nor choose an awkward moment such as tin To Blobber n his chest.STouve no desire to multiply his troubles,And this is not the time h>r blowing bubbles. Be patient with your elders, then, I pray, Their intellects dont hastily condemn;They once were like yourself, and you, some day, Will much resemble them.Each moonlike face that causes you to scream soIs really human, though it may not seem so. For life has compensations (Ah! how true !) While clouds
RM2AJEKR3–Deportmental ditties : and other verses . 22 No. IV. THE PROPOSAL In distant pre-Victorian days, When sentiment was still the fashion, And lovers chose becoming waysTo advertise their passion, The etiquette prescribed by Cupid Was not considered dull or stupid. The ardent suitor of that date, Who sought a maidens hand in marriage,Would drive in state to her front-gate, In his ancestral carriage ;And thence, with mien correct and knightly,Proceed to pay his court politely. When Strephon doffed his beaver hat,And humbly knelt before his goddess,Poor Chloes heart went pit-a-pat In her brocaded bo
RM2AJENHD–Deportmental ditties : and other verses . A conviction which I shortly hope to shatterâThat the choice of a profession, if effected with dis-cretion, Is a simple sort of matter. For the youthful and the active there is nothing more attractive Than the soldiers gay and glittering attire ;But before you join the Service, pray be certain that your nerve is Fully fitted to support you under fire,And dont let your comrades find you, with your weapons cast behind you, Drawing courage from a surreptitious flagon,Having sought for safety quickest where the bullets were the thickest, In the ammunition
RM2AJECA0–Deportmental ditties : and other verses . EXAMPLE III. H.H. the Bhong of Bangalore Will be At Home from 2 to 4. (Please enter by the Tradesmens Door)To-day. Beply. (Wire.) Am feeling far from strong. Cannot join the merry throng.Tell the Bhong to run along,And play! EXAMPLE IY. Dear Mr. Brown,— My ivife and I would chortle with delightIf you would come and sup with us quite quietly to-night.(The quietly suggests, of course—I hardly need explain—An absence of formality, of napkins and champagne.)If you could bring your banjo we might ask the Joness up,And I would tell the parlour-maid to mixsom
RM2AJEG4A–Deportmental ditties : and other verses . upon yourplate—When the handles will be smeared with greaseand gravy—Or retain them in your clutches while you wait ?0 my Headers, pray be open to persuasion, And admit (what I have preached for manyyears)That the knife and fork, on evry such occasion,Should be placed behind the ears. If asparagus or artichokes be handed, Do not view them with a terror-stricken eye, Nor permit yourself a coward to be brandedBy allowing such a dish to pass you by. Evry stick (or leaf), when dipt in melted butter,Should be held between the finger-tips with grace, And the
RM2AJEK52–Deportmental ditties : and other verses . Then he would kiss her snowybrow,And chafe her lily hands dis-creetly,As, on his keees, he told her howHis heart was hers completely ;Till, in a semi-dazed condition,They went to ask Papas permis-sion.. Alas ! the world has changed to-day ! How modernised both wooed and wooer !Chloe is now a coryphee, Strephon a wealthy brewer !She smiles on picture-postcards sweetly,While he signs cheques extremely neatly.
RM2AJEB8Y–Deportmental ditties : and other verses . n02| ^ But diffident persons are often in errorThrough being beset by a feeling of terror.For instance, some alien Princeling or otherOnce told me I closely resembled my brother:We are, I replied, in an access of shyness, Serenely alike, Your Ridiculous Highness!
RM2AJEGCB–Deportmental ditties : and other verses . 32 No. VI.—TABLE MANNERS On the question of behaviour when At TableThere is much that proves perplexing to themind ;Should we eat, that is, as much as we are able?Should we drink as much as Nature feels in-clined ?Is it right to use a spoon to swallow curry? Is it wrong to use a knife for eating cheese ?There is scope for much embarrassment and worryIn such knotty points as these..
RM2AJE7GX–Deportmental ditties : and other verses . In winter, when a blizzard blows, And drives thermometers to zero,I unexpectedly disclose The worst propensities of Nero.All caution to the winds I fling, Sheer dissipation my delight is;While even Mothers suffering From chronic Suffragitis,And keeps a record, neatly written,Of all the constables shes bitten. 92 Crime and Clime In summer, should I wish fco read, My simple Literary fanci<Arc satisfied by Mrs. Meade, Or Mrs. Humphrey Wards romances.In winter, when the days draw in, I crush my conscience, NonconformistBeneath the Latest Mrs. G-lyn, Or
RM2AJECDP–Deportmental ditties : and other verses . Invitations xMrs. mid Miss I), express Their eternal gratefulnessTo Mrs. A..B.C.Tenuis theyve qo time to ipan for,Tea is not a meal they cap for,Bridge they never play.Military bands for thein have little fascination,So they must reluctantly refuse her invitation. EXAMPLE II. Mrs. E. wouldbe obliged if on (here put the date) Mrs. F tcould condescend to dine with her at 8. (Mrs. E.s maternal aunt was coming up from Dover, But at the last moment has been forced to throw her over.). ^^ Beply. Mrs. F. is much distressed to hear about the aunt;Gladly would
RM2AJEP7K–Deportmental ditties : and other verses . y,Who is wonderfully witty—His accomplishments and parlour tricks are numerous:He can sing, and play the fiddle,Solve acrostics, ash a riddle, 15 Deportmental Ditties And do other things, if possible, more humorousHas been brutally ejected From Societys dominions,Just because he is suspectedOf polygamous opinions ! Be considerate of others, Of your sisters and your brothers;Do not balance loaded sponges on the door for them. With your playmates never grapple To secure the largest apple:If you get it, always treasure up the core for them. Keep your hand
RM2AJEFH0–Deportmental ditties : and other verses . Then be as courteous as you can, Since fortunes often are bestowedOn those who help some rich old man Across a slippry road.He hastens home, unfolds his will,And adds a grateful codicil. My Cousin John teas most polite. He led short-sighted Mrs. Bond,By accident, one winters night, Into the village pond.Her life perhaps he might have saved,But how genteelly he behaved ! 37 c* Deportmental Ditties. Each time she rose and waved to him, He smiled and bowed and doffed his hat;—Thought he, Although I cannot swim, As least I can do that—And when for the thir
RM2AJEDMG–Deportmental ditties : and other verses . 43 Deportmental Ditties. When the }Touthfal Spanish hero is performing a bolero His vagaries fill the bashful with surprise,And when coons among the mangoes try to execute fandangoes Prudes and pedants sometimes turn away their eyes ;But wThen Anglo-Saxon dancers once get going in The Lancers, Things proceed at such a very rapid rateThat the antics of Salome seem quite commonplace, quite home-y And sedate.
RM2AJEGFW–Deportmental ditties : and other verses . Soon the eminent musician (Like his organ, somewhat blown ),Gives a masterly rendition Of the march of Mendelssohn.While on seats his hearers leaping, Stare and chatter all they want,Spinster aunts are gently weepingIn the font. Now, the ceremony ended, Happy couple drives away;Crowds outside, with lungs distended, Give three Hips ! and one Hooray ! And the brides self-conscious father Seeks his guests to entertainWith consumptive quails and ratherFlat champagne. 30. Marriage
RM2AJE92Y–Deportmental ditties : and other verses . Say, Count, is the phrase that an Oil Magnate daughterApplies to the nobleman Fortune has brought her,While he in reply should accost her as Madam,And not (be she never so stony) Macadam ! Militiamen love to be talked to as Major,While Laddie will always delight the Old Stager.The nickname allotted to barmaids is Ducky,And Judge is reserved for the man from Kentucky.But Colonel is probably safest and surestFor those who address an American tourist. MOBAL. Then make it a rule, if youre bent on succeeding,To show evry sign of good birth and good breeding
RM2AJE8N0–Deportmental ditties : and other verses . For William, by a life of toil,Had cornered all his countrys oil,While Jawn supplied the poor with iceAt nearly twice the proper price;Till each had finally been thrustInto a post of (so-called) Trust. Had I but known how rich they were,And tried to cultivate the pair,Who knows ? I might perhaps to-dayBe quite as affluent as they,And dress as badly as I chose,And talk entirely through my nose!67 Deportmental Ditties MORAL. Oh, let us not acquire too lateThe talent to discriminate;.
RM2AJEF26–Deportmental ditties : and other verses . If some old lady calls on you, Run down and help her up the stair ;Then—if you happen to have two— Provide her with a chair.(If you possess but one, no more,Make her at home upon the floor.) I had a friend in the police, And no one knew exactly where—He teas so terribly obese— To offer him a chair;For though we pushed them up all round,He alivays sat upon the ground. (Good title for a novel that:The Uncle with the Secret Hat.) 39 Deportmental Ditties MOBAL. Be civil, then, to young and old, Especially to persons whoPossess a quantity of gold Which they
RM2AJECFB–Deportmental ditties : and other verses . ^^ Beply. Mrs. F. is much distressed to hear about the aunt;Gladly would replace her, but is sorry that she cant;Much regrets that on—(the date)—she is already dining,And she therefore has the greatest pleasure in declining. 57 Deportmental Ditties. EXAMPLE III. H.H. the Bhong of Bangalore Will be At Home from 2 to 4. (Please enter by the Tradesmens Door)To-day. Beply. (Wire.) Am feeling far from strong. Cannot join the merry throng.Tell the Bhong to run along,And play! EXAMPLE IY. Dear Mr. Brown,— My ivife and I would chortle with delightIf you would
RM2AJEC3Y–Deportmental ditties : and other verses . 61 No. XIII.—FORMS OF ADDRESS What symptoms of panic the bourgeois evinces On being presented to Bishops and Princes!His throat seems afflicted with curious dryness,As, murmuring vaguely Your Grace or Your Highness, His knees knock together, he shows the white feather, And talks in an agonised way of the weather.And oh! how he wishes in youth he had studiedThe question of how to address the blueblooded !.
RM2AJEEKF–Deportmental ditties : and other verses . 40 No. VIII. DANCING When the parquet has been polished, and all furniture abolished,And the band has made a serviceable start ;When your programme is selected, and your efi£iare directedTo indulgence in the Saltatory Art;When your fellow-dancers eye you, as they sail serenelyby you,With a scornful supercilious sort of glance,There is nothing half so rotten as to find you haveforgotten How to dance..
RM2AJEN89–Deportmental ditties : and other verses . Should you dream of competition with the surgeon or physician Who has patients ever flocking to his gates,Who discovers new diseases, just as often as he pleases,And removes a friends appen-dix while he waits,Kecollect what years of training mustbe occupied in gaining The adroitness of the competenttrepanner,What a lifelong education underlies thereputation For a pleasant bed-side manner ! 20. The Choice of a Profession As a parson is your heart Bel on admonishing the Smart 8e1 ? I ulpit eloquence, alas! is poorly paid,And your most impassioned sermon
RM2AJEGCJ–Deportmental ditties : and other verses . Of the businesses of eating and of drinking— Which are separate, distinctive, well-defined—There is no one but must acquiesce in thinkingThat these functions should by no means becombined;Since the man who fills his mouth with beef orpheasant,And proceeds to sluice it down with bitter beer,Is a person whom at meals it isnt pleasantFor his fellows to sit near.33 c Deportmental Ditties Save for purposes of casual conversation, You should always keep your mouth shut when you chew,For the processes of oral mastication Are not suitable for popular review;An
RM2AJEEC2–Deportmental ditties : and other verses . See, your sisters and your brothers (not to mentionhosts of others),How they leap and caracole and pirouet !While your partner you disgruntle by a style thatscontrapuntal,Till the poor girl feels in evry way upset.Uncle George grows apoplectic, Uncle John seemssomewhat hectic,But you gaze at them with envy as you noteWith what ease each stout relation gives his lifelike imitation 41 Of a goat. Deportmental Ditties There are many kinds of dances, from that favourite of Frances Which some people call a valse and others waltz—(Though the French, in doubtf
RM2AJEAY7–Deportmental ditties : and other verses . Forms of Address Mossoo and M»-m Berr are for Frenchmen and (tarmans, Righl Reverend sir for the preacher of sermons: But though it displays a commendable keennessTo style a Scotch Elder Your Weeness-and-FreenesB,A Jewish Chief liabbi wont fancy it funny,Suppose you should label him Babbits1 or Bunny,While Greek Archimandrites call loudly for brandyWhen persons address them as Archie or Mandy..
RM2AJEG7T–Deportmental ditties : and other verses . poses of casual conversation, You should always keep your mouth shut when you chew,For the processes of oral mastication Are not suitable for popular review;And it shows a lack of manners or of breeding To make noises like an infant with the croup,Or adopt a loud and blatant mode of feeding,When ingurgitating soup. Then, again, we do not need to be instructedThat our victuals must not ever be inhaled, And that no one who is properly conductedWill be guilty of the scandal thus entailed, When a burst of unpremeditated laughter Sends the glass of rare old
RM2AJEC7A–Deportmental ditties : and other verses . .I censure the pedestrian classesWho hold their noses as one passes. Old yokels, deaf and nearly blind, Plod stolidly along;When I come scorching up behind,They pay no heed, they do not mind My hootings loud and long;But if I squash them, flat as bloaters,Their next-of-kin disparage motors! But when I walk upon the road,While cars rush to and fro, I note how much they incommode The residents of each abodeWithin a mile or so; My tender heart in anguish sickens To see them puncture dogs or chickens.60 On the Road And Ik ii ! Ik , I.lit I he I idcwni
RM2AJEH52–Deportmental ditties : and other verses . 27 Deportmental Ditties A love match, says the kindly Press—Since tis the proper thing to do so-While lady-journalists assess The value of the trousseau,Till Cupid from their presence rushes,And slinks away to hide his blushes!. 28 No. V.—MARRIAGE
RM2AJEB4M–Deportmental ditties : and other verses . The tone that is known as unduly familiarIs worse than a blunder of this sort, andsillier.A Baronet, say, whom you meet at a party,Should not be referred to by strangers asBarty;Your Grace to a Duke on servility touches,But never remark My dear Grace to aDuchess.While Rajahs from India, bewhiskered and splendid,If talked of as Mister are deeply .Mfendid. 64. Forms of Address Mossoo and M»-m Berr are for Frenchmen and (tarmans, Righl Reverend sir for the preacher of sermons: But though it displays a commendable keennessTo style a Scotch Elder Your Weene
RM2AJE8JP–Deportmental ditties : and other verses . 68 No. XV.—TACT Tho endowed with all the virtues of a Daniel,With a nature free from blemishes or flaws; Tho combining the devotion of a spanielWith intelligence like Mr. Bernard Shaws; Tho the noblest disposition you inherit,And your character with piety is packd, All such qualities have very little merit,Unaccompanied by Tact. What is Tact? you may inquire (and very rightly). Tis that mixture of good taste and savoir /aireWhich impels us to conduct ourselves politely, Not to gossip, not to snigger, not to stare ;To be gay (but not facetious) at a wed
RM2AJER7H–Deportmental ditties : and other verses . beaks.Poor child ! her brothers gazed at her with pity,Then, linking noses, hastened to the City. 10 Birth When elderly relations dodder in, And thoughtlessly refer to you as It,Thrust skinny fingers underneath your chin (A foolish form of wit),And dangle bits of jewelry before you,Dont let them Bee how dreadfully they bore you, And when a kind of baby-talk they try (As grown-ups quite invariably do),Be ready with some suitable reply,As Ta! or Googlyoo ! And let them find their own interpretationsFor such occult and cryptic observations. For one will s
RM2AJE86E–Deportmental ditties : and other verses . is opinion of the House of Lords to poor Miss Vesta Tilley. When fish was served, a fellow-guest exclaimed, Here come the Souls!Who is the wag? I asked my host. He answered, K. G. Knowles. Those others, he continued, who arrived a little late,Are Cinquevalli, Father Vaughan, and Mr. Harry Tate. Poor Mr. E. McKenna grew uncomfortably hotWhen discussing Naval Estimates with Mr. Malcolm Scott,And the peace of the proceedings was no doubt a trifle marredBy the Poet Laureates arguments with Mr. Wilkie Bard. 72 Dinner in Downing Street But the dinner was a t
RM2AJE82C–Deportmental ditties : and other verses . hastily condemn My husbands nightly frolic;For I admit, in any case,That John is never commonplace. And when he feels a trifle blue, For some good reason or another,And beats me with a billiard-cue(Till I acquire the selfsame hue), Or throws the lamp at Mother,In his behaviour I can traceNo symptoms of the commonplace. Poor John, as no one will deny, Is not meticulously moral,But though he often blacks my eye,And daily drinks the cellar dry, And loves to pick a quarrel,He has, at least, the saving graceOf never being commonplace.82 Wedded Genius Wt, wh
RM2AJEGMA–Deportmental ditties : and other verses . Soon the eminent musician (Like his organ, somewhat blown ),Gives a masterly rendition Of the march of Mendelssohn.While on seats his hearers leaping, Stare and chatter all they want,Spinster aunts are gently weepingIn the font. Now, the ceremony ended, Happy couple drives away;Crowds outside, with lungs distended, Give three Hips ! and one Hooray ! And the brides self-conscious father Seeks his guests to entertainWith consumptive quails and ratherFlat champagne. 30
RM2AJE5F4–Deportmental ditties : and other verses . rack on ;When youve failed to Bpot the winner,You have always got your dinn< c I1.* fall back on. Should adversity assail you, Or a trusted comrade fail you,Or your business bust and leave you stripped and stony, You can seek for consolation In the fond anticipationOf a dish of macaroons or macaroni. With a meal a man may master The effects of each disaster;It applies a healing plaster to the stricken. All our sorrows we can bury As we contemplate a merry-Thought of chicken! Tripe and onions, or a curry, As a remedy for worry,Are beyond my poor capa
RM2AJEN3M–Deportmental ditties : and other verses . The Choice of a Profession As a parson is your heart Bel on admonishing the Smart 8e1 ? I ulpit eloquence, alas! is poorly paid,And your most impassioned sermon will descend Mil. of Sermon) On a sleeping congregation, Im afraid.Since the income of a pastor is not that of Mr. Astor, Ho must practise the most parsimonious habil ,With his quiver full of arrows that are numerous as sparrows And as ravenous as rabbits !. If you, finally, would rather seek to emulate your father, And become, like him, a self-made millionaire,There are difficulties here, too,
RM2AJEP12–Deportmental ditties : and other verses . 17 B Deportmental Ditties. Never ask your Uncle Moses If the colour of his nose isArtificial, manufactured, or inherited. When your elderly Aunt Lizzie Is unusually busy,Do not badger her with booby-traps unmerited. (If you soak her wig in whiskey, Twill insure her feeling flustered; But to make her really frisky You should fill her boots with mustard.) Hold your tongues, if you are able, More especially at table,Which is not the place for juvenile loquacity. Grown-up folks are kittle cattle, And they tire of childish prattleUnredeemed by any symptoms
RM2AJEH2N–Deportmental ditties : and other verses . 28 No. V.—MARRIAGE. In the church, from crypt to steeple, Evry inch is occupied;Evry corner crammed with people (House Full boards displayed outside)Woman with excitement flushes, Man attempts to hide his gloom,While another couple rushes To its doom ! Organist, his fingers flying Oer the keyboard till he drops(Simultaneously applying Swedish massage to the stops),Tramples wildly on the pedals With the trueborn cyclists knack,Which would win him many medalsOn a track.29 Deportmental Ditties Loud the diapason thunders Bridegroom fumbles for the ring, (F
RM2AJE8B4–Deportmental ditties : and other verses . or wearing squeaky boots; * Was it not Elisha ?—Publishers Header. Elisha does not rhyme with anything on earth. Please use your intelligence.—H. G. 70 I act In your efforts to prevent a private scandal,Which a fashionable hostess might deplore,You should cough, and have some trouble with the handle, I lefore entering a door. Never mind, thou, how inelegant your tone is,Or how petty the proportions of your brain ; Cease to covet the physique of an Adonis,Or the modesty and culture of a Caine. That your views are inconsistent and onesided,And your state
RM2AJE7P6–Deportmental ditties : and other verses . vade the land we love,Dropping (like the dew of Hennon)From above ! Woe is me! What Man proposesProvidence at times resists; And the way an airship goes isCrooked as a Suffragists! Adverse breezes, that to-day fromWestminster to Croydon blow, Waft Miss Matters miles away fromCannon Kow! What a lesson for each maid is To be learnt from such a case,Of the foolishness of ladies Who would fly in Natures face;Who to such mad lengths are going, By the winds of folly fannd,That theres certainly no knowing Where theyll land!91 CRIME AND CLIME (Cold is conduciv
RM2AJEF6D–Deportmental ditties : and other verses . Politeness [f bald or prone bo catching cold,A.ccept ;t tip from (Fncle Fred, Who always wears -or so Im (old—Tiro hats upon liis head. With one his homage he performs,His scalp meanwhile the other warn, With health and comfort thus ensured, He waves his beaver in his hand,—Its underling beneath secured By an elastic band.A very gentil, parfit knightIs Uncle Fred, and 50 polite !. If some old lady calls on you, Run down and help her up the stair ;Then—if you happen to have two— Provide her with a chair.(If you possess but one, no more,Make her at home
RM2AJEDEN–Deportmental ditties : and other verses . Touthfal Spanish hero is performing a bolero His vagaries fill the bashful with surprise,And when coons among the mangoes try to execute fandangoes Prudes and pedants sometimes turn away their eyes ;But wThen Anglo-Saxon dancers once get going in The Lancers, Things proceed at such a very rapid rateThat the antics of Salome seem quite commonplace, quite home-y And sedate.. When some poor old fogey flounders, mid a scrum ofyouthful boundersWho awake the sleeping chaprons with their shouts,Other vetrans cease competing, as they realise, retreating,Why su
RM2AJE7B4–Deportmental ditties : and other verses . h local bye-election,Where the voters hurl with vigour Rotten eggs in your direction,Though the hooligans half-kill you, Recollect with satisfactionThat some manager will bill you As a Popular Attraction. If you vanish in the offing, Leaving motor-cars behind you,Till reporters, rudely scoffing, In some Highland fastness find you,99 Deportmental Ditties Let the salary content youEach dramatic agent offers For permission to present youTo a nightly crowd of scoffers. But suppose, in hour of danger, Thoughts of self and safety quelling,You should rescue f
RM2AJEGD2–Deportmental ditties : and other verses . Marriage. Older folks grow retrospective,Bygone honeymoons recall (While an ill-disguised detectiveGuards the presents in the hall), Till they see the couple leaving,Clad in brand-new traveling suits, And facetious friends start heavingEice and boots. MORAL Bridegroom, though your spirits falter, Never have recourse to jest;Jokes about the marriage Haltar Are much better unexpressd.Since you may not well avoid it,Bear the function like a man,And pretend that youve enjoyed it,If you can.31 Deportmental Ditties Bride, be punctual to the minute ; Dont for
RM2AJEBHF–Deportmental ditties : and other verses . 63 Deportmental Ditties For men of the world the right form of responsellCome pat to the tip of the tongue (or the tonsil) :Your Maj. for a King, and Your Ex. fora Consul,Sir James for a Knight, for a gentleman Mister,Garcong! for a waiter, and Hi! for asister..
RM2AJEFR5–Deportmental ditties : and other verses . Then be as courteous as you can, Since fortunes often are bestowedOn those who help some rich old man Across a slippry road.He hastens home, unfolds his will,And adds a grateful codicil. My Cousin John teas most polite. He led short-sighted Mrs. Bond,By accident, one winters night, Into the village pond.Her life perhaps he might have saved,But how genteelly he behaved ! 37 c* Deportmental Ditties
RM2AJEKBF–Deportmental ditties : and other verses . Then he would kiss her snowybrow,And chafe her lily hands dis-creetly,As, on his keees, he told her howHis heart was hers completely ;Till, in a semi-dazed condition,They went to ask Papas permis-sion.
RM2AJEG80–Deportmental ditties : and other verses . 35 Deportmental Ditties. If you seek a second helping from the slavey,Should you leave the knife and fork upon yourplateâWhen the handles will be smeared with greaseand gravyâOr retain them in your clutches while you wait ?0 my Headers, pray be open to persuasion, And admit (what I have preached for manyyears)That the knife and fork, on evry such occasion,Should be placed behind the ears. If asparagus or artichokes be handed, Do not view them with a terror-stricken eye, Nor permit yourself a coward to be brandedBy allowing such a dish to pass you by. E
RM2AJE753–Deportmental ditties : and other verses . er!The story is, of course, untrue.It was a tea-pot that I threw. Tis also false, I do declare, That (as the papers said on Monday)I seized my hostess by the hair,At luncheon in Cadogan Square,And hurled her headlong down the stair, Last Sunday.I dragged her down one flight, I own.She fell the other five, alone. 102 THE MARTYRDOM OF FASHION (The Dirge of the Directoire Dress, by Mademoiselle Belle-Eel.) When Worth and Paquin plan and plot Designs and fashion-plates fantastic,Heedless of those whose forms are not Particularly plastic,They little know wh
RM2AJED1J–Deportmental ditties : and other verses . his juncture,You must simulate virtuous ire, And accuse him of trying to puncture Your tyre. If youre ever attacked by a lion, A camel, a bull, or a bear,Keep a human and resolute eye on The beast, till he slinks to his lair.(If this Powr of the Eye that we read of Is as absent as hair from an egg,You can always fall back on the Speed of The Leg.)51 Deportmental Ditties Last of all, if a humorous poet Should award you the fruits of his Muse-You will never peruse them, you know it, But you havent the heart to refuse—So remark, as their charms he rehears
RM2AJEFE5–Deportmental ditties : and other verses . Each time she rose and waved to him, He smiled and bowed and doffed his hat;—Thought he, Although I cannot swim, As least I can do that—And when for the third time she sank,He stood bareheaded on the bank ! When, in a crowded train or tram, A lady treads upon your feet,Leap up at once and say Ma-^ra / Pray occupy my seat! She will not thank you for your zeal,But what a righteous glowT you feel! When female friends you chance to see,Your hat should be removed in haste ;IBsxeheaded you must either be Or else be deemed barefaced.The breeze that whistles t
RM2AJEE2C–Deportmental ditties : and other verses . the saraband of Prussia, and the rigadoon of Kussia, Which demand the greatest energy and zeal,—From that not-to-be-ignored dance which the Scottish term a Sword-dance, To a reel. When your grandmamma went dancing, her behaviour was entrancing ; Such decorum, so much grace, were rarely seen !And her too impatient lover was compelled, alas ! to hover On the outskirts of her spacious crinoline.While demurely minuetting in a staid and sober setting, She religiously maintained her self-respect;When she plied the light fantastic, every pose, however plastic
RM2AJED4P–Deportmental ditties : and other verses . end calves-head or eelsTo one who cannot face his meals;The thought of tripe will not exciteA friends reluctant appetite;And even haggis, so Im told,Will leave him absolutely cold.46 At Sea I >ont emulate the old u Bea-dog (Who Bays Yohol and calls for grog), By wearing blue gold-buttoned suits, A yaohting cap and pipe-clayed boots, Nor don a knowing naval air Unless inured to mal-dc-mer. Dont shout Avast there! or Belay!Or Lubbers, man the starboard stay ! Or Splice the brace ! or Brace the splice !Unless your knowledge is precise;Nor glibly talk o
RM2AJEER4–Deportmental ditties : and other verses . 40 No. VIII. DANCING When the parquet has been polished, and all furniture abolished,And the band has made a serviceable start ;When your programme is selected, and your efi£iare directedTo indulgence in the Saltatory Art;When your fellow-dancers eye you, as they sail serenelyby you,With a scornful supercilious sort of glance,There is nothing half so rotten as to find you haveforgotten How to dance.
RM2AJECH5–Deportmental ditties : and other verses . Let your meaning be explicit, so that nobody canmiss it,And your writing of a legible description;People find it most confusing if you make a point of using Hieroglyphics like the primitive Egyptian.Its as well to state quite clearly upon evry invitationBoth the nature of your party and the length of its duration. Let me instance the dilemma I teas placed in by Aunt Emma,Whom I ashed to come and stay with me one Sunday : I did not refer at starting to the date of her departing.But I meant to entertain her just for one day. Tis a twelvemonth since this
RM2AJEHRP–Deportmental ditties : and other verses . Alas ! the world has changed to-day ! How modernised both wooed and wooer !Chloe is now a coryphee, Strephon a wealthy brewer !She smiles on picture-postcards sweetly,While he signs cheques extremely neatly.. Or else he is a peer, unblestWith dollars, and not too romantic, And she, from somewhere in the West,An heiress Transatlantic. Gold to his happiness is vital, She feels the same about a title. 24 The Proposal I [e docs not Inn- ;i ooach-and-fourTo bear him to his Ladys dwellirj A motor lands him at her door,Strident and evil-smelling; Disguised in
RM2AJE90D–Deportmental ditties : and other verses . No. XIV.—DISCRIMINATION If some accommodating FateWould teach us to discriminate,Or if, instinctively, we hadThe gift of telling good from bad,How much less often would we makeThe unforgiveable mistake! Appearances deceive, alas ! And persons whom we proudly pass As villains of the deepest dyes May be archdeacons in disguise; Even a bishop can insist On looking like a pugilist! Each passer-by, for aught we know,.May be a King incognito ;The brains of Prince or PlutocratMay lurk beneath a seedy hat,A witty tongue lie hid withinThe contours of a feeble c
RM2AJEM08–Deportmental ditties : and other verses . If you, finally, would rather seek to emulate your father, And become, like him, a self-made millionaire,There are difficulties here, too, since the plutocrats career, too, Is an intricate and troublesome affair;For you have to wrench their money (like a bee extracting honey) From such persons as it happens to belong to,And the growth of public feeling against any form of stealing Is both prevalent and strong, too. 21 B* Deportmental Ditties Then a simple life of pleasure, as a gentleman of leisure,Is the proper kind for evry one to lead, With a dash o
RM2AJECYA–Deportmental ditties : and other verses . Though your Conversaziones may be crammed withfriends and cronies,Who wont criticise your grammar and your spelling,And by missives wrongly worded, strangers sometimesmay be herdedNeath the roof tree of your hospitable dwelling,By a lapse of taste or language folks are often much offended,—When your party is a failure and your soiree unattended. It is readily admitted that your phrases must be fitted To the status of the guests you are inviting,For what one accepts as normal to another seems informal, What a third enjoys a fourth regards as slighting;A
RM2AJECKM–Deportmental ditties : and other verses . Let your meaning be explicit, so that nobody canmiss it,And your writing of a legible description;People find it most confusing if you make a point of using Hieroglyphics like the primitive Egyptian.Its as well to state quite clearly upon evry invitationBoth the nature of your party and the length of its duration. Let me instance the dilemma I teas placed in by Aunt Emma,Whom I ashed to come and stay with me one Sunday : I did not refer at starting to the date of her departing.But I meant to entertain her just for one day. Tis a twelvemonth since this
RM2AJERC1–Deportmental ditties : and other verses . ! . . . . . .105 The King and the Book . . . .107 The Devout Plover ....... 109 The Sins of Sobriety ...... Ill Empire Day in Battersea ...... 113 Too Old at Thirty ....... 115 Not Good Enough ....... 118 The Food Cure ....... 120 The Trucks of Truro . . . .123 Poetical Economy ....... 125 8 No. i.—BIRTH The worldly child, who wishes to succeed, Must exercise profound pre-natal tact.The choice of proper parents is, indeed, A most important act;Since errors in the matter of selectionDo not admit of subsequent correction. So, when for future forbears you
RM2AJEGDD–Deportmental ditties : and other verses . Older folks grow retrospective,Bygone honeymoons recall (While an ill-disguised detectiveGuards the presents in the hall), Till they see the couple leaving,Clad in brand-new traveling suits, And facetious friends start heavingEice and boots. MORAL Bridegroom, though your spirits falter, Never have recourse to jest;Jokes about the marriage Haltar Are much better unexpressd.Since you may not well avoid it,Bear the function like a man,And pretend that youve enjoyed it,If you can.31 Deportmental Ditties Bride, be punctual to the minute ; Dont forget the ho
RM2AJECGJ–Deportmental ditties : and other verses . Then, again, a man named Harris whom I stumbled on in Paris— At the Bristol or the Ritz—I often sup there—And most foolishly invited (I suppose I teas excited) If in London to be sure and look me up there,Looks me up each single day, and, not content tvith merely looking,Must propose himself to luncheon, and complains about my cooking ! If the hostess apprehensive finds the drudgery extensive,Every time she asks acquaintances to dinner, Tis a fact theres no denying that the duty of replyingOffers just as hard a task to the beginner. But the following e
RM2AJE9C8–Deportmental ditties : and other verses . Say, Count, is the phrase that an Oil Magnate daughterApplies to the nobleman Fortune has brought her,While he in reply should accost her as Madam,And not (be she never so stony) Macadam ! Militiamen love to be talked to as Major,While Laddie will always delight the Old Stager.The nickname allotted to barmaids is Ducky,And Judge is reserved for the man from Kentucky.But Colonel is probably safest and surestFor those who address an American tourist. MOBAL. Then make it a rule, if youre bent on succeeding,To show evry sign of good birth and good breeding
RM2AJEBTD–Deportmental ditties : and other verses . No knowledge is half so important or vitalAs that which supplies the appropriate title :Your Worship to one and My Lord to another,Your Gracious to this one, Your Good-ness to tother,Dear Sir to ones banker, Hullo! toones mother.62. 63 Deportmental Ditties For men of the world the right form of responsellCome pat to the tip of the tongue (or the tonsil) :Your Maj. for a King, and Your Ex. fora Consul,Sir James for a Knight, for a gentleman Mister,Garcong! for a waiter, and Hi! for asister.
RM2AJEGR3–Deportmental ditties : and other verses . In the church, from crypt to steeple, Evry inch is occupied;Evry corner crammed with people (House Full boards displayed outside)Woman with excitement flushes, Man attempts to hide his gloom,While another couple rushes To its doom ! Organist, his fingers flying Oer the keyboard till he drops(Simultaneously applying Swedish massage to the stops),Tramples wildly on the pedals With the trueborn cyclists knack,Which would win him many medalsOn a track.29 Deportmental Ditties Loud the diapason thunders Bridegroom fumbles for the ring, (For the hundredth tim
RM2AJE5PX–Deportmental ditties : and other verses . The standard which our fathers held so dear—A priceless heritage and fair possession— To our enlightened eyes must now appearThe emblem of injustice and oppression. 0 Union Jack, the very thought of thee Brings blushes to the cheeks of Battersea ! In Australasia still the flag is flown ; For there, alas ! no Councils seek to deadenThe loyal feeling too distinctly shown By evry budding or potential Seddon.(0, tell us, Tommy Cornstalk, can it beThat you have never heard of Battersea?) 113 Deportmental Ditties Our French-Canadian cousin, did he knowThat w
Search Results for Bookiddeportmental Stock Photos and Images (71)
Page 1 of 1